tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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