just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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