Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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