For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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