Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
