Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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