boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
