It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
