I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
