Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
