i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
