His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think my fart just growled at me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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