so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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