I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This is classic penis vs brain.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
