NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
