nut hugger
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
