Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
