Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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