i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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