I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
