He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
