I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
