Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
