Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
