u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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