yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
