i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
