Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
