you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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