she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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