I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
