honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
