I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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