I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
