I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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