Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
