i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
