Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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