Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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