guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
