youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
