There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
