I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
