obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
