Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
