So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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