it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
