Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
