I want to have your abortion
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
