if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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