We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
