He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
